This one falls squarely in the category marked "You couldn't make it up." Bear in mind, if at all possible, that what you are about to read (which, with apologies to all fans of cheap sarcasm, we present without further comment) is not a lost Monty Python script, but a transcript of what really was said in the UK Parliament's House of Lords on June 9, 2005.
Lord Harris of Haringey asked Her Majesty's Government: Whether the time spent preparing the e-Government Unit's document Tomatoes are not the only fruit: A rough guide to taxonomies, thesauri, ontologies and the like, represents value for money.
Lord Bassam of Brighton: My Lords, yes, the document was published in 2002 by the Office of the e-Envoy, at the request of technical users in government who were new to the subject. It was produced in-house at an estimated cost of less than £100.
Lord Harris of Haringey: My Lords, I am grateful to my noble friend for that information. I ask him to congratulate the civil servants concerned on the diligence and speed with which they must have produced 12,000 words and four charts on the subject of Tomatoes are not the only fruit, containing such gems of information as: "How long has it been for many of us since the primary meaning of the word 'mouse' has been 'a small furry animal that frightens elephants?'," or the information that carrots can be either salad or root vegetables. That will no doubt come in very helpful in promoting e-government. Can we also congratulate the authors of the Guide to meta-tagging with the Integrated Public Sector Vocabulary, which gives another eight pages of valuable advice and information? It includes the information that the phrase "Common Agricultural Policy" may appear under the phrase "European Union" or under "Farming" but will mean the same under both. Given the diligence of the civil servants in the unit, can the Minister assure the House that the same energy and effectiveness is being applied to delivering information security throughout the public sector? ...
Lord Bassam of Brighton: My Lords, I shall of course pass on my noble friend's congratulations. However, I have a sneaking suspicion that civil servants are as we speak listening carefully to his kind congratulations and warm words. ... The document, although it has attracted a certain levity, is I am sure most useful to those who work in government IT services.
Earl Ferrers: My Lords, can the Minister not pass on congratulations to the civil servants on producing a document that is completely incomprehensible to a normal person and really does not make any sense at all? Why cannot they learn to write English?
Lord Bassam of Brighton: My Lords, having looked at the document, which has a modest number of words, I disagree with the noble Earl. I believe that IT users in the business will probably find it very helpful and useful. Certainly, when I read it, I began to understand notions relating to taxonomies, thesauri and ontologies.
Lord Maclennan of Rogart: My Lords, although the use of what the Civil Service calls "controlled vocabulary" may operate as a disincentive to get online to the Government, can the Government say whether there has been a significant improvement in the access to e-government over the past two years? ...
Lord Bassam of Brighton: My Lords, there have been improvements, and I am sure that the e-Government Unit is aware of its role and responsibility in ensuring that these improvements continue. ...
Viscount Eccles: My Lords, is the Minister aware that if he were unfortunate enough to have cancer of the bladder, medical advice would be that he should eat no more tomatoes? Is that information on the website?
Lord Bassam of Brighton: My Lords, not that I am aware, no.
Lord Peyton of Yeovil: My Lords, I really wonder whether the noble Lord is aware of the extent to which he has attracted to himself this morning the wholehearted sympathy of the House at the appalling ordeal that he has had to go through in not giving a single answer to a question and really fluffing what he has said beyond the limits of comprehension.
Lord Bassam of Brighton: My Lords, the noble Lord always makes generous remarks across the House, and I suppose that I have to be the beneficiary of those remarks on some occasions.
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